Since I am already on the topic of Twylah, I want to respond to this:

Okay, listen up, everybody, so you can plan ahead.

By the power vested in me by me, I am declaring May to be Irony Free Month in Lutheran Blogland. No posts or links with overt reliance on ironic tone. Also, no gratuitous sarcasm. Say what you mean, mean what you say.

And ignorance of the law is no defense

I know Twylah is trying to be serious and trying to do good thing for the Lutheran blogsphere in general. Being, however, that I am one of the longer-running bloggers here (only Josh and Chris Jones have blogged longer than I have (LCMS wise)), I don't think she has anywhere near the weight needed to try to pull something like this off. I may or may not keep to it. I don't know. It just depends on what happens in May. If I get some news that requires sarcasm or irony, I'll use it. If I think the story makes a mess of itself without any comment, I do that as well. I even produce a decent piece of satire now and then (I like the John Kerry "Dick and Jane" short story below). Besides, my birthday is in May and I'm going to roll out the satire express then.

Blame Twylah for finding this quiz.

Like the results had a chance of being anything else.

I tashte like Alcohol. Heh. Heh. I taste like beer. I like beer. Buy me a beer. I'm not drunk, I can drink plenty without... What was I saying? Beer. What Flavour Are You?

This quiz is dedicated to my pastor:

Which Bob Dylan song are you? Like a Rolling Stone

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

Valpo Scandal- Part 2.

Allah continues to be very creative with photoshop. He has his own proposals for the new flag of Iraq.

Is John Kerry the next Wesley Clark? (Thanks to Instapundit)

For those who read Chris Halverson know I am his bizzaro world, but you also saw this. For those who read Allah already know about this.

Neal and Josh already blogged about this, so I'll just follow along. Saddam's WMD have been found: New evidence unveils chemical, biological, nuclear, ballistic arms.

See John Kerry. See John Kerry flop. Flop, Kerry, Flop!
See Kerry Spin. Spin Kerry Spin! Kerry is dizzy. (Thanks to Instapundit)

That's better.

Yesterday was a good day before a certain person whose name shall remain anonymous ruined it for me by hitting a nerve he should have never even thought of touching. I had a chance to spend a little time with one of my cousins who is about to be a dad. He and his wife were in town for the baby shower, and I had the chance to cruise around Wichita with him and grab a beer and lunch. It is quite interesting watching a soon-to-be new dad. He was nervous and he was excited as well. His baby girl (97% chance) is going to enter the world in about two weeks. We were going around looking at TV stations in the hope that he might be able to get a job here in Wichita and be around the family. God bless my cousin and his wife and say a few prayers for a safe delivery and a healthy baby.

Dude, he could have received a commision as an officer. Do you or anyone else know why he didn't? $19000/yr? Shit, I was making more than that in active duty Air Force, Dan. He could have easily been commisioned as an officer (leader) and made more money, AND still be a part of the Rangers.

Let me see, he gets promoted to E3 after he gets out of basic, he gets combat and hazardous duty pay, he gets allowances. Hey, your problem is you actually believe the media when they said he made $19,000 a year. You know better. You believed the media, which, ultimately, is a problem. My boss was an ossifer in the Air Force and if you heard the stories he told, you wouldn't want to do that, degree or no degree.

Since he had a degree (in what?) and took an enlisted position, do I conclude he was a dumbass, perpetuating the "Dumb Jock" idea?

I don't know, graduating Summa Cum Laude with a 3.82 in three and a half years with a degree in marketing and play college football isn't too bad . Yes, he has to be a dumb jock!

Money may not have been an issue. But considering he had a wife to take care of he could had taken better care of her with millions from a sport he loves than from the thousands the govt gives for such service and duty.

Let us analyze this. He had already made enough money to live computable for the rest of his life, and he decided to join the army. Of course, you probably didn't know about this when the story first broke because you don't like sports. Let us look at his decision in the light of the doctrine of vocation. Was he taking care of his wife better by earning millions or by killing terrorist bastards before they killed her. Money is no good if she's dead. Thus he was doing a better service to his wife by killing terrorists. Oh, and by your logic, half our seminarians shouldn't be going to seminary. By that logic, my grandparents shoudn't have gotten married. By that logic, my grandfather shouldn't have volunteered in WWII. Am I getting my point across.

He still a dumbass!

Thank you for making this point, mispelling commission and commissioned, and basically showing yourself to being a jerk. You might as well just have just taken a dump on my grandfather's grave.

I warned you.

How do you get banned? There are many ways. Calling a fallen soldier who is dead a dumbass when you are a veteran is one really easy way to get yourself banned. I warned the Terrible Swede that he was causing me too much agony when he lets loose with a dumbass remark, an insult which got me hot enough to want to take a baseball bat and do very unfriendly things to the "indymedia" types. Because the people I know end up causing my blood pressure to rise more than anyone, I have banned anyone who knows me who has posted comments on my blog. Congratulations Terrible Swede: you got everyone who personally knows me banned because you just couldn't keep your hands off the keyboard.

Allah has a link to this. Me, like many other people that commented on Allah's blog, would like to take a hot poke and shove it up these people's [censored]. I hope the devil [censored] [censored] [censored] and then [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored]. My grandfather was severely wounded and spent some hard time in a German POW camp during WWII. The fact that these [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] [censored] would insult the memory of a fallen soldier is beyond comprehension to me. If I could find these [censored] [censored] [censored]s, I would probably beat them within an inch of their lives. I don't normally have such a violent reaction to stuff like this (normally I think they are just dumb), but they are insulting not only the dead (a very bad breach of etiquette in most circles), but they also attack much of which I hold near and dear. They might as well be wrapping towels around their heads and doing unspeakable acts with camels.

Pat Tilman, R.I.P. I had and still have every bit of respect for this man. Not many athletes dump multi-million dollar salaries to serve.

Sam Adams. Brewer, patriot. You come from the
greatest city in America and are damn proud of
your heritage. You are well respected and
deservedly so. Rock on.


Which Beer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

A new beer quiz. Too many people complained about the last one.

Al Jazeera seems to be making its own news, just like the New York times.

I have often thought about what I would do if I were president right now. At one time, I had my own political party mapped out (the beer party) with a party platform and everything. I am trying to remember some of the platform me and a friend of mine developed.

1) Beer shall be considered a natural resource.
2) Much of the economy shall be developed to perfect the brewing and shipping of beer. Economic incentives shall be in place to allow the development of new brews.
3) There shall be a mandatory draught. The mandatory drinking age is 18. The voluntary drinking age is 21.
4) Lawyers must go through mandatory tropical, desert, and artic survival training. Anyone who lives through it may practice law.
5) I will use every Presidential power available to me to give the courts the bird if they render a stupid decision.
6) If Osama bin Laden is caught, I will personally take a hot poker and stick it up his ass.
7) Gun control as we know it will end. Any criminal found with a gun shall be shot on site. You don?t have to kill the bastard; you just have to shoot him.
8) Dumb lawsuits will end. If you sue someone and the suit is determined to be stupid, you will appear before a firing squad.
9) Read my lips: No more Precious Moments. Carthage, Missouri shall be nuked.
10) The mainline denominations shall all be audited for pretending to be churches.
11) Foundations shall be audited for pretending to be charities.

That?s it for now.

There is a new blog under the political blogs. It is a member of my favorite type of political blog: the anti-french blog. He, of course, is covering the oil for food scandal and the slow death of the french language.

CAT41 has a statistical analysis of the nominations that I posted on the long blog.

I eliminated the link to Old Lutheran. I probably shoudn't have become involved in their boards because I know how stuff like that will just anger me to no end. I'm very intolerant when it comes to things like reletavism or the "lets ignore our differences" attitudes that are prevelent within some strands of Lutheranism. I have an easier time accepting people who say "This is what I believe and if you don't like it, tough." Too many people don't want to grab someone by the neck and say, "I'm right! You're wrong!" in a loving way, of course.

Since the topic of language has come up elsewhere, I have decided to tackle it here. I have three main rules:

1) I only use the F and S bombs in relation to the French.
2) The second commandment shall be observed.
3) Using words from Depraved and Insulting English is allowed.

Speaking of words from that book, I am trying to decide which word fits the Terrible Swede better: catarolysis or coprolalia. Vote now!

Check out the spaceweather site, if you are interested in that kind of stuff. The picture above is of magnetic loops that would engulf multiple planets. Cool, huh?

This post on the other blog is about the fight between the CCM and BOD.

This story from Allah is interesting. Key quote: "The Tehran leadership is also certain that John Kerry, if elected, will abandon Bush's plans for a "democratic" Middle East."

I thought some of you might like to see this.

Blogger is gettiing on my nerves. The two sites I thought were down are back up and I've reposted the links on my blogroll.

I ran into this story while goofing around. Defiant Lutheran congregations appoint active gay pastors. You all in the ELCA wonder why I think your church is Miller Light.

I missed this article by Uwe Siemon-Netto. Are Episcopalians Still a Church? A Lutheran theologian/journalist examines Robinson confirmation.

That's all I have for now.

Not one but two of my blogger links went dead. If either of those two blogs come back, the owners need to get a hold of me and I'll put you back on. En Christou and The Blogsburg Confession are no more.

One last quiz before I go to bed. This one is for Josh.

What metal band are you? Opeth You are Opeth! You are very poetic with your lyrics, and your music flows like a waterfall. Your emotions change from angry to sad very quickly. Some people don't like you because you can sound too depressing. You're one of the best metal bands in the world, and you worship your fans!

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

I am slowly but surely learning who my audience is. The first group is my fellow bloggers who tend to comment frequently and who agree with me way too much. The second group is a group I know who read this blog and agree with me, but never comment. I know they exist because I hear rumors they exist. That, and they found the "Purpose-Driven Drinking" picture very amusing. The third group is the people who disagree with me, but keep reading me anyway. This group rarely, if ever, comments but they tend to show their disaproval in other ways. Because I know the first group and what they like all too well, this quiz is for you.

What type of Beer drinker are you? Guinness You like the meal in a pint, and you don't care about the image

Click Here to Take This Quiz Brought to you by YouThink.com quizzes and personality tests.

A quiz to take us all back to our younger days.

We recommend this sexy site: yumiyah.com
Which Sesame Street Muppet Are You?

The result is not much of a surprise to me.

I just added Synod in Convention to the links. Not adding this site sooner is a bad oversight on my part.

Josh had some nice things to say about me. I do I know a little doctrine, but that little bit of doctrine has turned into a major concern about the direction the LCMS is going and to why there are people who want us to swallow PDL and, even worse, The Prayer of Jabez. I have kicked myself for three years because of that book.

Here is the setup. I volunteered to help out at the past two National Youth Gatherings. The first gathering, I did servant events and I had a blast. I learned how not to do servant events (make sure the bus driver knows where he is going) and met a lot of very diverse and interesting people. Somehow, I have managed to not keep in touch with any of them (very typical of me). The second gathering, I learned how to take getting yelled at by hot, angry crowds, that the SP elect even needs the proper bracelet to get in (yes, I did meet Kieschnick), and how to drink beer even though the covenant you signed says you shouldn't. That's what happens when you put two geologists into the same roomin a hotel. You gotta love the French Quarter. All of this proved to me that the Doctrine of Total Depravity is correct.

I am positive I haven't told this story to anyone, but I think it does need to be told. The Friday before the gathering (it started on a Saturday), all the workers and volunteers got together for a worship service and communion. By this point, my transformation from loving Contemporary Christian Music (I have a huge collection of CCM in the basement which I rarely listen to anymore) to becoming a man made in the image of Bach (sort of). I did know one thing at this time: the Prayer of Jabez was a book to be despised and the Purple Palace (a term I haven't used: synodical headquarters) released a statement to that effect. I walk into the hall (we ate pizza in the place before the service) and I find a praise and worship band setting up. OK. I'm not exactly happy about this but I'll deal with it. The service was hosted by a local church and the President of the Southern District helped with the reading. Let me tell you the shock when the reading was 1 Chronicles 4:9-11 . I was thinking, "OK, maybe he has some strong sermon against the book." I actually obeyed the Eighth Commandment (this is not as much me bragging as me just saying that it was a miracle and I cannot take any credit for it). Then came the sermon and I could hear all those positive thoughts being flushed down the drain with my ignorance. Yes, I actually hear a man certified by the LCMS as a shepherd lead this flock of sheep right to the gates of "name it and claim it" land. He preached on aspects of Jabez and his prayer and then had us go to our knees to pray about that aspect. My prayers were probably much different than my colleagues. Mine started with "Our Father" and "Why God!? Why!?" and when I was done with that, "I believe in God the Father almighty..." What I should have done was walk out, but I was in such shock that someone within the LCMS would actually say the things I was hearing. If I had thought about it, I would have taken notes as proof of what I was seeing. Somehow, I managed to justify taking communion from this pastor (another mistake which I have been kicking myself for three years about) and the nightmare was over. If this had happened now, I would have taken notes and then left before communion and found the Irish Pub in the French Quarter I had scouted out and had a sacrament of black and tans and pretzels. It would have done me more good than that sermon. It was that day that sent me over the edge and I became the thorn in the side of everybody that I am today. I learned a lesson that day as well: tolerance sucks.

What I do not understand is why the people who you know you best end up causing you the most problems in the comments section on your blog? I am very close to banning anyone who knows me personally from commenting. So, if you know me, you might not want to open Pandora's Box. I will do it.

Edited for clarity. If I didn't do it, Erica would have.

I have posted most of the Ninety-five Theses of Claus Harms on the Long Blog. Not only is this a historically interesting document, it still has much application today.

Church Growth, P.L.I. and Ablaze.

Every once in a while, I am reminded of why I am glad to still be a member of an LCMS congregation. When you look at things like this, I thank God that things still are not this bad. This nifty bunch of "Anglicans" (not using quotation marks would be an insult to all true Anglicans out there) are so bad that, if these types somehow made their way into the LCMS, Jesus First and Daystar would have no choice but to fight them.

Celebrate Jesus the Revisionist. How about celebrate me hurling after reading this crap. This is the kind of stuff that only stiff shots of cask-strength Scotch can cure chased with multiple shots of Jaeger. You know, sometimes you just have to roll your eyes, smile, and, in the most loving and caring way possible, tell them they are idiots. This is what Claus harms meant in his Ninety-Five Theses (soon-to-be posted on the long blog) when he said that, "... Christianity is reformed out of this world."

Another thing: I am surprised by what is and is not getting comments. I really need to quit thinking about what people may or may not say about my blog and just keep posting my thoughts on different issues.

John has a good post on a sticky evangelical question. As you can see, I am still not linking to the Terrible Swede because he still hasn't payed up for his party foul.

I am probably in trouble at the Old Lutheran boards. I, being the pleasant guy that I am, posted my defense of closed communion by pointing out it is consistent with Luther's doctrine of the OHM. I took my gas can in, doused the place, and started throwing lit matches all over. Needless to say, I am avoiding the place for a couple of weeks and then will probably go back in, gas can and matches in hand, and set the place ablaze. They probably think I am some fundamentalist licktwat without a brain.

The beer gal posted below is now permanently placed below the archives. I am going nuts now that I have learned how to post images.

I am not going to post any images of myself from anything resembling the recent past. I will, however, post this confirmation picture.

Ain't I cute? Yeah, right.

In the United States, there are sports towns. For instance, Detroit is known as Hockey town, New York and Boston are big baseball and football towns, and Los Angeles is a big basketball town. Imagine an insane sports town, but instead of a town, it is the whole country. Australia is that country. This is the country that decided one of its favorite games will take five days to play. For some reason, they love cricket. The games take so long, however, that they got sick and tired of waiting in long lines for beer. Enter the beer wench. They pay scantly-clad gals AUS$65/hour to fetch beer. These guys love their cricket.

A poem on beer. It should bring a tear to everybody's eyes.

Happy Easter, everyone.

You know how I said I forgot some of the things I wanted to blog about? I keep remembering them.

The Long Blog has finished the Holy Week Cycle. I might occasionally post hymns and readings there for now on, but it will probably start being the home of resolutions the SP doesn't like and pictures of me.

I wanted to ask Neal a question and I keep forgetting. Have you had a St. Pauli Girl yet?

Erica is home from the hospital. I went and visited tonight with my sister and we watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (yes, I love irony) and The Wedding Singer. She is still in some pain (not nearly as bad as yesterday) and has two painkillers to help out. It was good to see her in a better mood and things under control.

Maybe I'll try to find another picture of a beergirl for Easter. I know all my male readership would appreciate that.

Christus ist erstanden!
Wahrlich ist er erstanden!

Thanks to Karl for the link.

This is for Chris the Brit:

Atgyfododd Crist!
Atgyfododd yn wir!

I have tons of ideas to blog about, and I do not remember any of them right now.

A book I highly suggest reading is Darwin's God: Evolution and the Problem of Evil by Cornelius G. Hunter. This is possibly the best book on evolution I have ever read, and I have read more than most people. Mr. Hunter attacks the metaphysics of Darwinism by attacking the foundation it was built upon. It gives a very strong case that Darwinism, at its core, is a theodicity. There are assumptions made about who God is and what he can and cannot do. Ultimately, every piece of evidence boils down to, "God wouldn't do it that way." As soon as they reach that point, it suddenly becomes theology. Darwinism is a theology with a scientific veneer.

For some reason, blogger wasn't letting me post last night. I wanted to post a couple of links.

Saint Pontius: The Passion, Pilate, and the political vocation.

The Passion of the Christ.

Kerry Ignores Reproaches of Some Bishops. It's getting really bad when the New York "let's make things up and plagerize" Times starts nipping at your heals.

By the way, I am going to hell, if you didn't know.

I haven't been doing my job. Here's the statistical analysis of the canidates approved by the Synodical Nominating Commitee. This is old news, but news I did not cover. You might want to check out the rest of the Crisis site to see what I may have missed.

I am currently listening to a recording directed by two flaming homosexuals of Bach's St. John's Passion. Besides the flaming homosexual thing, it is a good way to end a good day. As I sat through this day podering the death of our God on a cross, praying for Erica and her surgery, I had many epiphanies, most of which are now gone due to bad memory.

I thought you all might like to know that Erica is currently out of surgery and is a little loopy right now. She needs to be a little loopy because of what the surgens did to her ankle and foot. This is a case where doctors had to inflict pain to relieve pain. Hopefully she will be able to stand without pain soon.

In other news, I am going to hell.

The post for Good Friday is up on the other blog.

I have been reading a book called The Creationists: The evolution of scientific creationism by Ronald L. Numbers. While I was reading this, I was thinking about my own position on evolution and creation and how I am skeptical of the LCMS' position because of its Seventh Day Adventist origins. I am skeptical of evolution, especially neo-Darwinism. I don't like theologians telling scientists what science is and is not. I have decided to let science and theology to hang in paradox. We let other things hang in paradox within our theology so why not let science hang in paradox in contrast to our theology. One says the world is young while the other says it is old. So?

The long blog is still in Holy Week mode.

Some of the stuff I have posted recently would probably go on the long blog if it was not Holy Week. I'm posting readiings and hymns until after Easter Tuesday.

Some may wonder why a picture of a woman in traditional Bavarian dress hold a large stein of beer. Many people have decided to not blog during Holy Week. I do respect that decision. Since I am blogging, however, I was going to put up a picture of a Volga German church or something in that vein. I put that picture up instead. What can I say?

You know, I should have never said the whole politics thing slows down during Lent. I am eating my words right now.

Once again, from CAT41:

[Note: the writers of this overture should have also noted that the calling of a special convention is nearly impossible, since it requires almost all of the District Presidents to agree that there exists a reason for such; i.e., the current bylaw in this regard absolutely robs the congregations of the synod of their voice in such matters. EJG]

The Crookston Circuit Forum (Minnesota North District) sent in the following overture for consideration by the 2004 LCMS Synodical Convention. It has been rejected by Dr. Kieschnick, alleging it "contains information which is materially in error, or contains an apparent misrepresentation of truth or character". No information is given as to which part of the overture is found to contain such. The overture, along with a letter from Dr. Kieschnick, has been forwarded to District President Donald Fondow's office, "which 'has ecclesiastical supervision over the entity submitting the overture for action'". The overture as submitted is below:

To Provide a Means for Suspension or Deposition of A Synodical President

WHEREAS, God states that all things should be done decently and in order, especially as this relates to the privilege of the proclamation of the Gospel and our witness and practice in this regard (1 Corinthians 14:40); and

WHEREAS, Sin brings disorder and hinders the proclamation of the Gospel as a result; and

WHEREAS, Events within our church body have taken place which demonstrate such hindrances and the ensuing consequences resulting in disharmony and lack of good order; and

WHEREAS, As a result of these events questions were addressed to the Commission on Constitutional Matters (CCM) for the sake of clarification and the opportunity to continue to walk together as Synod, and

WHEREAS, Some of the rulings by the CCM effectively place any person occupying the Office of the President of the LC-MS above the synodical constitution in between regularly scheduled synodical conventions (01-2240, 01-2241); and

WHEREAS, These rulings reveal that members of the Synod are without a means for suspension or deposition or of the opportunity to effectively deal with these matters for the sake of decency and good order which pertain to a sitting president if charges of false doctrine are brought forward and upheld in between regular conventions of Synod (cf. Constitution (Art. XI A 2), Bylaw 3.103, c.); and

WHEREAS, The only recourse according to the current Synodical Handbook is to call a special Synodical Convention (Art. VIII B 2) which is expensive, time consuming, and allows for possible continued opportunity for a synodical president to continue to do damage to the church while the constitutional process slowly progresses; and

WHEREAS, The constitution mentions "the deposition from office" of the president (Art. XI C 2), but fails to provide a mechanism for this to happen in good order; and

RESOLVED, That The Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod meeting in convention request of the LC-MS Commission on Structure two means or models for placing a synodical president on restricted status, suspension, or deposition from office for cause, that are neither too difficult nor too easy to implement in a time of need or crisis, as is the case already provided (for example) with district presidents (Bylaw 2.27, c, 2, g); and be it further

RESOLVED, That the Commission on Structure present its results for vote at the next Synodical Convention in 2007.

Right now, because of the CCM, if a Synodical President, say for instance, gets caught with the secretary, there is no means to dispose of him without calling a special convention. Our SP could commit murder and not get tossed out of office until the next convention. The SP could convert to Mormonism and still be SP under the ridiculous CCM ruling. There needs to be a way to discipline a SP between conventions. Right now, there is nothing to keep a SP in check. This is a concern no matter who's in office.

I am still in Holy Week mode on the other blog

I am trying to finish reading as many books as possible this week. That will be easier said than done.

I am in Holy Week mode on the other blog.

My blog is officially one year old today. For the past year, I have been offending people, causing a great ruckus, and, in general, making a fool out of myself. Here's to another year. OK, I have to wait until Easter, but here's to it anyway.

Here's my year in review.

*Benke got off.
*Schultz got fired.
*BOD got pissed.
*CCM got packed.
*CTCR was ignored.
*Josh Drank
*I drank
*Lutheran blogsphere enlarged exponentially.
*Terrible Swede drank at Tim's expense.
*Tim drank.
*Thomas drank.
*It was rumored everyone named Chris drank.
*Life sucked.
*Life was good.
*I read books
*Josh read many more books than I.
*John H. drank Real Ale
*Many of us like Britcoms.
*Monty Python still rules.
*Rocks are cool.
*Anglicanism is gay.
*The ELCA is gay by CCM.
*Thomas about drowned himself in the Tiber.
*Walt Whitman is gay.
*I don't have a clue.
*Karl Rocks.
*I hate the French but love the Frogman.
*Sometimes Catholics do come to their senses.
*Commend people at the bar, not at convention.

How's that for a list.
*Hoists Black and Tan*
Here's to another year.

Have a wonderful Holy Week. If you don't, I'm going to hunt you down and slap you as hard as I can with a herring.

I thought, just to rub it in a little, I would show you who didn't fall for my trickery: Erica AKA Edited Copy. I received one e-mail with the title "Are You Serious?" Poor Terrible Swede didn't realize it was April Fool's Day. I do want to tell Thomas that if he still wants to "intervene," I am more than happy to participate in it. Just name a bar, errrrr, meeting place, and I'll be there.

Before I "went off the deep end," I made a comment about Lent being a quiet time politically within the bureaucracy because everybody was too busy trying not to drown in work. Not everyone is quite that busy, however. From CAT41:

[The following overture was submitted by St. Paul's Ev. Lutheran Church of Brookfield, IL. It has been deemed one that is "materially in error, or contains an apparent misrepresentation of truth or of character." The question is, "Has President Kieschnick, on fact, so far isolated himself from the FACTS in this matter that he wouldn't know them if they jumped up and bit him, or is he just unwilling or unable to accept those *well-documented* facts because they don't fit his theologico-political agenda?" "This isn't your grandfather's church." No, because the grandfathers in the LCMS didn't demand the acceptance of an institutional lie, but let it come to the convention floor to be reproved. We are now in the midst of a true 'imperial presidency', wherein more power has been accrued to the office of synod president--and that power has been more abundantly abused--then one would have thought possible. With this edict from St. Louis, we have become Rome. EJG]

TO THANK GOD FOR THE 25 YEAR MINISTRY OF DR. WALLACE SCHULZ AS LUTHERAN HOUR SPEAKER

Whereas, Dr. Wallace Schulz, the Second Vice-President of the LCMS, did faithfully for 25 years proclaim God's Word of Law and Gospel on the International Lutheran Hour, and

Whereas, he thereby strengthened the faith of many and brought into the fellowship of our Lord an unknown number, there fore be it

Resolved, that the Synod in Convention assembled thank God for Dr. Schulz and thank Dr. Schulz for his faithful service, and be it further

Resolved, that the synod express its regret to the Lutheran Laymen's League for releasing Dr. Schulz from his call as LUTHERAN HOUR Speaker even though they had assured him that his decision in the Benke case, which had been thrust upon him in his office as second vice-president of the Synod, would not effect his standing as LUTHERAN HOUR Speaker.

Ronald Kuehn Mark Stern
St. Paul's Ev. Lutheran Church Secretary
Brookfield, Illinois St. Paul's Ev. Lutheran Church
Brookfield, Illinois

This overture will not appear in the 2004 convention workbook.

Dr. Gerald Kieschnick, the president of the LCMS, has written a letter to the President of the Northern Illinois District that "the attached overture(s) submitted by an entity from your district contains information which is materially in error, or contains an apparent misrepresentation of truth or of character."

He further wrote to President Ameiss, "In accord with Bylaw 3.19.d., this overture is hereby being referred to your office, which has ecclesiastical supervision over the entity submitting the overture for action."

This deserves some extremely witty and incisive commentary, but I have none to give. If it is a pope we wanted, we sure got it. If, for some strange reason, someone who actually has some say is reading this, this is the insanity we have devolved to. We can't even give thanks for the good work God has done through someone anymore because he happened to irritate the current SP. It's stuff like this that makes wonder if, someday, my April Fool's prank will show up again but this time it won't be April 1.

For all of you who thought I converted to the ECC, I have two words for you: April Fools.

The joke worked out much better than I expected. Only one person, that I know of, actually caught the joke. The April 1 date was your first clue. The belief in infant communion was your second clue. The silly posts leading up to the last post was a final clue.

I knew I had to convert; to what was the main issue. I decided on the ECC because, honestly, if there was no infant communion, I could probably actually accept the rest of the legalism in place in that church body. Rome and Constantinople were just too obvious if I wanted to make it work. The ECC did its job, and now we all get a good, hearty laugh out of all of this.

One thing I did notice is that no other bloggers seemed to be pulling any April fools pranks. I wonder why.

I do have an announcement to make and I do it with a very heavy heart. I have decided, after much thought, study, and prayer, to join the Evangelical Catholic Church. Now some of you will be asking, "Why?" The LCMS is turning into a cespool right now, with enough political organizations to choke the life out of any poor layman. I am definitely poor and I am a layman. As much as that explains why I am leaving, it doesn't explain why I am going where I am going. Simple. The Evangelical Catholic Church is a small, faithful body of Lutherans who actually believe something that the LCMS keeps forgetting: we're catholics as well as evangelicals. So much church growth has infected the LCMS that she has shed her catholicism for the sake of evangelism. Unfortunately, once she shed her catholicism, she has nothing left to evangelize the world with. I'll take smells and bells over the dungheap of the LCMS.

Allah is being bad again. No surprise there.

This link is for John of the U.K. I know you'll like it.

Since it is the Lenten season, the amount of political news dwindles because pastors are too busy writing sermons and getting prepared for Holy Week instead of updating their websites. That's just a fact of life. Once Easter comes and goes, everybody will be lovingly trying to tear each other's jugulars out once again.

I found this while floating around on Free Republic. It should warm the hearts of Lutherans and Calvinists alike.

Arminian Grace


Arminian grace! How strange the sound
Salvation hinged on ME
I once was lost then turned around
Was blind then chose to see

What "grace" is it that calls for choice
Out of some good within?
The part that willed to heed God's voice
Proved stronger than my sin

Through many ardent gospel pleas
I sat with heart of stone
But then some hidden good in me
Propelled me toward my home

When we've been there ten thousand years
Because of what we've done
We've no less days to sing our praise
Than when we first begun

- Dennis Walter Cochran

I found this on Lutherquest. Enjoy.

More postings about Beer.

Edmund: Right, now; let's make sure you've got this. We are having two parties here tonight...

Baldrick: Right.

Percy: Right.

Edmund: ...and they must be kept completely separate.

Baldrick & Percy: Right.

Edmund: Firstly, a total piss-up -- involving beer throwing, broken furniture and wall-to-wall vomiting -- to be held here in Baldrick's bedroom.

Baldrick: Oh, thank you very much, My Lord! [Percy pats him on the shoulder in congratulations]

[Edmund goes to the main living room of the house (where the previous house scenes have taken place).]

Edmund: Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet-turnip eating. Is the Turnip Surprise ready?

[Baldrick and Percy begin giggling.]

Baldrick: Yes, it is, My Lord.

Edmund: Then what is so funny?

Percy: Well, My Lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip Surprise, >we< had a surprise -- we came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape...as a thingy!

[Percy and Baldrick laugh.]

Edmund: [not amused] ...a thingy...

Baldrick: ...a great big thingy! It was terrific.

Edmund: Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item...?

Baldrick: Oh, yes, yes, My Lord.

Edmund: Good, because there's nothing more likely to stop an inheritance than a thingy-shaped turnip.

Percy: Absolutely, Edmund. ...but it was jolly funny! [laughs more]

Edmund: Yes, yes, yes...

Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, because I've got a thingy that's shaped like a turnip!

Edmund: Yes, all right...

Baldrick: I'm quite [?] at parties...

Edmund: [not interested] are you...

Baldrick: Yeah -- I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children.

Edmund: What fun... Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm meant to be having a drinking competition here tonight with Lord Melchett, and ten thousand florins are at stake!

Baldrick: Oh dear...

Edmund: What do you mean?

Baldrick: Well, firstly, you haven't got ten thousand florins; and, thirdly, one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face and start singing that song about the goblin.

Edmund: That's nonsense. ... ... ... but just in case it's true--

Baldrick: [to Percy] It is true -- I saw it!

Edmund: Yes, all right, all right, it's true, it's true... So, the plan is: When I call for my Incredibly Strong Ale, you must pass me water in an ale bottle. Have you got that?

Baldrick: Yeah -- when you call for ale, I pass water...

Edmund: Percy, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt.

Percy: [tries to act suave] Ah, I think you can trust me to know how to handle a woman...

Edmund: Oh god...


Aunt: Wicked child!!! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!

Edmund: ...and yourself...?

Aunt: I sit on Nathaniel -- two spikes would be an extravagance.


Edmund: Well, quite -- which reminds me, Aunty--

Aunt: [stands up] Don't call me `Aunty'!!! [slaps him twice] `Aunt' is a relative, and relatives are evidence of sex; and sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner table. [sits]

Edmund: ...or, indeed, any table...

Percy: ...except, perhaps, a table in a brothel.

Edmund: [kicks Percy off his chair] Oh dear, Percy, it seems you have fallen off your chair...

[Baldrick enters, carrying a plate on which sits the thingy-shaped turnip]

Edmund: Now then, what was I saying? [sees the turnip and speaks without a pause] Oh my god...

Baldrick: [to Aunt] Your turnip, My Lady...

Aunt: [picks up the turnip, holds it in front of her, her eyes wide] Very good! Very good! [bites into it, then points it at Uncle, and speaks to him] You know, Nathaniel, it takes me right back to our wedding night...

[Uncle's eyes open wide, in surprise.]

Aunt: [to Edmund] We had raw turnips that night.

Alistair Cooke, R.I.P.. He was 95.

Carnival of Lutherans

Ruminating Lutheran has posted some excellent sermons for Holy Week. He should post them on Consensus, IMHO.

Paul McCain has an excellent post up on Crucifixes and Lutheranism.

Thomas is still rocking.

John H. discusses "No Bible Sunday" closed communion, and Sanctification.

Josh celebrated his two year blogversary. Congratulations. He also gives the reasons he didn't go to Ft. Wayne. Who also cannot forget the Fearsome Confession of Faith.

Chris Jones posts on Bishops in the Missouri Synod.

Erica is having surgery on Good Friday.

Neal broke the news on Monty Python.

That's it for the first installment of the Carnival of Lutherans. The Lutheran blogsphere is getting big enough that something like this (no matter how biased and opinionated I am) might become useful. Expect me to post what I consider the best of the Lutheran blogsphere every Tuesday at some point.

I am thinking of adding a new blog, one to link to longer posts and allow those who wish to read them to read them while not having to scroll three-quarters id the way down to find my last post.

By the way, while you're reading through all those links, stop by The Blogsburg Confession. There is some excellent stuff to be found there.

This post has been heavily edited, by the way. I did it. I now have a new blog for longer posts. The post that was taking up all that room can now be found here. It is a critique of the film The Passion (which I haven't seen) by a Lutheran pastor. It is long, but if you have the time, an interesting read.

The White Horse Inn has an excellent series on forgiveness. On no other radio program will you hear Metallica and Vegi Tales in two consecutive weeks.

Can a Calvinist claim there is no one with perfect doctrine?

Blackadder fans, rejoice! The scripts are on the internet! It includes my favorite episode in the series, Series Two, Episode Five, Beer. For those who need their memory jogged, it's the episode where Blackadder ends up hosting his Puritan relatives (who abhor drinking) but have big wallets and a drinking party to settle a dare on whether he can hold his alcohol on the same night.

Percy: I must say, Edmund, it was jolly nice of you to ask me to share your breakfast before the rigors of the day begin.

Edmund: Well, it is said, Percy, that civilized man seeks out good and intelligent company, so that, through learned discourse, he may rise above the savage and closer to God.

Percy: Yes, I've heard that.

Edmund: Personally, however, I like to start the day with a total dickhead to remind me I'm best.

...

Baldrick: But, My Lord, I've been in your family since 1532!

Edmund: So has syphilis; now get out.

Classic.

Ruminating Lutheran has a good post on unity.

Thomas has a post on the new group he would like to start called SNOB as an auxiliary (I think that's the best way to describe it) to the ESOB.

Anyway, I am busily reading The Orthodox Church: Its Past and its Role in the World Today by John Meyendorff. It is part of my continuing quest to educate myself about a church which, honestly, I cannot say much about. The only churches I have any comfort level in making lofty pronouncements within are Lutheranism (duh), Catholicism (more duhs), and Mormonism (huh?). If I am outside those three churches, I tend to just shut up and watch unless something really blatant occurs (like unrepentant homosexual bishops or unrepentant bishops in general, which the ECUSA is full of). I know what I know in the realms I know, but get me outside those realms and I can get myself in a lot of trouble. Notice how much I comment on Karl's blog, for instance. Once, twice, maybe three times. I lurk and learn.

I have been asked by someone who shall remain nameless about why I no longer use the terms "Jesus Last" (Ni!)or "Deathstar" (Ni!) to describe certain political groups trying to pretend to not be political groups within the LCMS. It is simple: if I am to win hearts and minds, I don't insult their friends. That does not, however, prevent me from saying "Ni!" to them or bringing in the Spanish Inquisition when needed. (Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!)

Finally, The Life of Brian is returning to the big screen.

I normally don't blog on local news. Most local news, however, doesn't normally have the words Bind, Torture, Kill associated with it. This guy began killing women about the time I was born. Who really knows if he'll kill again. This is one sick asshole.

It took Tater Salad (new rule: that's what everyone must call the terrible swede from now on) a whole whopping twelve hours to break every single rule I placed on him. This goes to prove one point I've been trying to make to him (and it goes in one ear and out the other): he is so utterly predictable it is laughable. Oh, and if you think me using Tater Salad as a guinea pig was funny, I could do it to just about anyone who posts comments here regularly and predict what you will say. If you've paid any attention to me, you could predict what I might say about a given post. We are all a bunch of predictable robots. The fact that I knew Tater Salad would fall into my trap like a fat woman eats a chalupa is the whole point. That, and he needs to watch the Flying Circus.

So, why did I impose those rules?
1) I just didn't want my comments crammed with number theory posts. If you can't stay on topic, don't waste bandwidth.
2) A stupid nickname should be given to those who commit party fouls. He earned this one.
3) This one was simply instituted to try to keep him from putting his foot inside his mouth. With the alternatives given, you would figure he could keep this one. I guess I overestimated him.
4) In case I was wrong, he needed some sort of reward. He did not let me down.

So, in conclusion, be random, not predictable. I would say like me except that would be predictable, so I'll just say like, ummm, errr, Richard Simmons!!!

You don't have to like it, you just have to do it.

I've added Dave Barry to my blogroll. Enjoy.

Update: I found the secret. My comments line is now at its final position.

Most of you know I do have quite an interesting taste in bad poetry (I even have a book full of it), but I never quite know what to make of stuff like this. Allah used the term "shitty" to describe this poem. I would tend to agree because it just does not evoke the same emotional response that truly bad poetry does. If the poem is truly bad, I laugh. This poem just sucks.

I know I'm late linking to this and this, but I had a major crisis going on that I had to recover from. Now go look at all the graphic pictures (the guy was literally blown to bits) and don't blame me if you puke after looking at them.

Thomas here, here, and here makes some interesting points. Go read these posts if you haven't already.

The Terrible Swede will be back on my blogroll, but on probation under the following rules:
1) There will be no mentions of number theory, no matter how much Josh may tempt him (this one will kill him.)
2) All comments on this blog are not to be made under his real name, but under the name "Tater Salad."
3) He shall not refer to Jesus First as Jesus Last or Daystar as Deathstar. A "Ni!" or two after mentioning their proper names is acceptable as is bringing in the Spanish Inquisition.
4) Any failure to not follow these rules within the next two weeks (the length of probation) shall mean permanent removal or a seat in the comfy chair. (I love it when I can use Monty Python references he's clueless about).

I must also institute a few rules on everybody else:
1) If your comments get too silly, I shall have to stop them.
2) Any mention of lumberjacks must also mention women's clothing.
3) The French still suck (alright, this isn't a rule).
4) NO POOFTERS!
5) Don't ever let me catch any of you not drinking.
That should do it for now.

I'm done french-bashing. It's just too easy. If any Europeans stumble onto this site by accident (besides our good friends representing the ELCE), they'll probably thing I'm a prick anyway. I am probably everything they hate about Americans, at least until I get drunk.

Someone was apparently using the Snoop Dogg Shizzolator on the Jesus First webpage and rather than just leave well enough alone, went and posted it as a separate webpage that was eventually found (Fake Web Site (edit) Story). Normally, I would comment on something like this, but, as my grandma used to say, "Bite you tongue, dirtbag!" (I know, my grandma didn't say that, but I had to say something stupid in for fear that I might actually say something even stupider.)

I better stop before the Larry the Cable Guy analogies erupt forth.

One More Reason to Hate the French.

Anyone who taxes beer because of alcohol content (like their wines don't have more alcohol) deserves to have the Germans invade. There are few things that piss me off more than the overtaxing of alcoholic beverages. Chimay is excellent beer and it will mess you up if you are not careful. 12-14% alcohol content will do that to you. Even better is when you chase a whole bottle (750ml) with a shot or two of 80 proof whiskey. You don't drive after drinking that combination.

Did I mention I'm mostly English and German?

Why do I hate the French? I have pondered this question for quite awhile because xenophobia makes no logical sense, but that does not stop me from making fun of the, "cheese-eating surrender monkeys" (apologies to Homer Simpson). Yes, they bathe about once every two years. Yes, their national flag should be all white. Yes, their elite force (the Foreign Legion) celebrates its defeats rather than its victories. Yes, we had to save their asses twice this century, more than double the payback they gave to us to rid ourselves of the British. Yes, the Gauls were overrun by the Romans and it has been all downhill from there. So, as you can see, this is not xenophobia as much as just a little friendly ribbing (yeah right). I should just come clean. Since I listen to Jim Rome, I like french bashing. It's that simple. I find the french surrendering to two Canadian tugboats amusing. Considering the word to Frenchify means to acquire a STD, perhaps the french should just surrender to AIDS and be done with it. Their language is dying (to the delight of the English, I presume) and their land is being overrun by Moslems. They reproduce at a rate of 1.7 children per couple (below the replacement rate of ~2.1) so they themselves are dying off. At that rate, they'll probably breed themselves out of existence.

I just sat here and watched the hamster take about half the food in her food bowl and shove it into her mouth pouches and move it to her nesting area. Considering there are some very large pellets within her food, she managed to shove it all in. Rodents rule.

I am relieved now. My sister is OK, at least for now. Thank you all for all your prayers for her and my family.

Peaches the hamster is proving to be quite anti-social. My mom was babysitting some kids that go to her church today and one of them decided that she really needed to pet her even though Peaches was sound asleep. Hamsters are quite grumpy when they wake up and Peaches is no exception. So when she was awakened from her deep sleep by an unfamiliar person, she just bit her. Hamster bites often look worse than they are, but their teeth are quite capable of slicing through the skin of an unfortunate person. My sister has been bitten before, and I have just been lucky. I don't force her to do anything, and so far, so good. She nibbled on my hand once, but I pulled away before she could bury her teeth into my finger.

The Lutheran blogsphere is erupting in delight because of Mike Horton. I do like Dr. Horton (mainly because most Calvinists claim he's a closet Lutheran). He is probably the best example of how close a Calvinist can get to Lutheranism without actually being Lutheran. He understands law and gospel probably better than most Calvinists, and he gets what the theology of the cross is about. I just wish he would give in on those pesky sacraments and that whole predestination thing and come to the light. Lutheranism could really use a man like him. Calvinism probably needs him more than we do, however.

Speaking of Mike Horton, here's the link to the Alliance of Confessing Evangelicals, probably the best example of what ecumenism could be. They agree with what they agree on, and recognize the disagreements they have rather than just sweeping them under the rug and pretending they don't exist (the mode of most ecumenism). There is a lot of good stuff at this site, so don't be afraid to browse.

(Thanks to Josh and John for the inspiration.)

Added Thought: I forgot to post this when I was writing this. My choices of beer (or lack thereof) are more a reflection of what I think about the given synod or denomination, not of the blogs (or links) below.

Sometimes even Larry gets it right.

Josh now has a blog of book reviews.

My sister is home. She's doing better. Thank you all.

I would like to say that things are going nice and that my sister is home and doing well, but I can't. Those who have any business knowing what is going on either has been or will be informed. The rest of you will just have to take my word on it. It sucks. I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night, my diet has gone from some junk food to all junk food, and (perhaps this isn't so bad) I have spent much of the day praying and just struggling to get by. It was good to see my sister today. In some ways, I am relieved. In others, however, I am disturbed.

I somehow was suckered into a debate over the rationality of Christianity. I knew I had won when Calvinists were trying to convince me that the Trinity is, in fact, rational. Of course, there come the same, tired analogies trying to explain that which is mysterious and incomprehensible to our human minds. In this time, it is that mystery which I cling to harder than anything because, through those mysteries, I find God. God hides himself so we can find him.

You are Walt Whitman! Champion of the
Transcendentalist American Ideal, Walt Whitman
is one of the first poets to use the "free
verse" form in America. He has been
imitated, but will never be duplicated, just
like you! Except for by everyone else who gets
Walt Whitman ;)


Which famous poet are you? (pictures and many outcomes)
brought to you by Quizilla

I've never read Walt Whitman, so I don't have a clue.

John has a good post on "leading people to Christ".

To say today hasn't been a very rough day would be like claiming the pope isn't Catholic. He is, and today, in essence, sucked bigtime. I have almost broken down crying at least three times (make that four) and it was a struggle to keep my mind on work and just keep going. If anyone tells me to just suck it up and be a man, I'll tell them to go fuck themselves. You don't want this burden. You do not want to go through what I am going through right now. Today, I am truly learning what Christ meant when he said, "Pick up your cross and follow me." I'll tell you all what it is later, but right now, what I really need is prayers. Prayers for my family, prayers for my sister, and prayers for me. Ultimately, that will do more good.

Thomas has moved and reappeared, to my own delight. I have also added the musings of tentatio to my blogroll. I just discovered Mark Cuban has a blog. Who knew?

Too many beers, too little time. Everytime I decide to discuss beer, I get comments. If I discuss anything else besides British comedies, I get little to nothing. What gives people? Is everyone just more interested in beer? Should I change the name of my blog to "Random Thoughts of a Young, Drunken Lutheran?"

I am currently watching my sister's hamster run around the living room in a small plastic ball. They make things like that for your small rodents (you wouldn't shove a Guinea Pig or Chinchilla into one of these things) can happily run around the house without you having to worry about it happily running around the house. Anyway, she is gleefully running around, running into various objects with reckless abandon. You know what the saddest part of the whole thing: I think she's very cute. Sickening, isn't it?

Finally, Italian Police Break Into Church to Install Priest.

Lederhosen boycott threatens Oktoberfest party

Look at what the home country has become.

I changed my blogroll headers once again, reflecting what I believe to be the best beers representing the various people I have on my blogroll. I hope you all enjoy them.

A joke I was told by a Canadian friend of mine.

The Brits drink warm beer that tastes like piss.

The Canadians drink cold beer that tastes like piss.

The Americans drink cold piss that tastes like beer.

Thus endeth the lesson.

Thomas has disappeared once again. I have no idea what happened, but his blog was taken down and no longer exists. That saddens me because I always knew he had something interesting and useful to say. Maybe we can convince him to pop up once again.

I moved the two UK blogs (more proper since Chris lives in Wales) to their own little section where they can sit around pumping their brews out (I love John Courage). Only the Brits would come up with the idea of brewing beer without carbonation.

Speaking of being British, about half my family roots lie in the British Isles. I am mainly British and German, but I have touches of Irish, Scotch Irish, French, and Cherokee. In essence, I am a mutt.

Since the Terrible Swede just had to put me in a bad mood (right when I had something to be in a good mood about), I'm going to take it all out on Precious Moments.

What are Precious Moments? They have to be the cheesiest pieces of art, figurines, and other collectibles that make women (with a few exceptions) go, "How cute!" and make men go, "How pathetic!" They present these androgynous children doing such things as praying and pretending to be angels and other just horrid themes. The artistic quality of all of this make the pictures of stickmen I drew in kindergarten look like fine art. Hell, Pablo Picasso deserves his reputation as a genius when compared to Precious Moments. If you know what I think of Picasso, then you know how truly horrible I think these things are. There should be a parody version called either Disgusting Moments or F***ed-up Moments. It could have the kids (no longer cute) worshiping the porcelain god or stabbing each other with pitchforks. That would rock.

Peaches. We now have Peaches.

Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the wonder hamster
He doesn't talk and he doesn't squeal
He just runs around in his hamster wheel
Harvey, Harvey, Harvey the wonder hamster
Hey Harvey!

Peaches is a hamster, if you couldn't figure it out. Yes, since Louie died, my sister decided the perfect way to fill the void was to get a small rodent. That is not the typical response one might expect to see, but that's my sister. Actually, I like the hamster. She is very active in and out of her cage, and she has very soft fur. When I was younger, I had a gerbil and he was extremely mean. That made him extremely good for practical jokes. I remember freaking out one of my female friends by putting him on her shoulder. She never did forgive me for that. So stay away from me when I have small rodents in tow. Peaches probably will not help me with any practical jokes anytime ever. My sister would kill me and then take away my ability to reproduce.

Alright, every woman except Twylah likes Precious Moments.

If you are looking for updates on the whole Spanish bombing story, look no further than Iberian Notes. Keep the country in your prayers.

I have decided what my next target of opportunity is. I thought of it as I was freezing my ass off in a warehouse. I know what you all are thinking. "Will you be tacking PDL from a new angle?" No. "Have you found a new target within the LCMS?" No. "Will it be more Benke bashing?" No. "Will you even be targeting anything within Lutheranism?" No. "Will you be bashing the WWJD craze?" No. It all has to do with a comment I made about a certain line of products that is very much a reflection of what American Evangelicalism has become. This stuff is so sickening any right-thinking male will avoid it while all the women adore these things and, sometimes, I wonder if these things have become the Protestant version of icons and the new Mary. What would this be, you ask? Precious Moments.

Nothing is happening newswise, but I did happen to pull out my book Depraved and Insulting English and found a term that describes all politicians, but is especially applicable to one Senator from Massachusetts who happens to be running for President: timeserver.Here is another term that applies to him: empleomaniac. Use and abuse these terms as you wish.

The ESV rocks. I don't care what Josh says.

As you can now see, I completely rearranged my blogroll and split all the Lutheran factions up into their separate parts. I found it easier to make and set up jokes that way.

I will soon be to the point where I just begin emptying out everything. The tank is slowly beginning to drain finally, and I don't have much to blog about newswise.

The Ruminating Lutheran has found a new blog called Cyberbrethren that is run by Rev. Paul McCain, interim CEO of CPH (Concordia Publishing House for all the non-Lutherans). He has some interesting posts up, so check him out.

Twylah's Lutheran in a Tipi is being added to my links. I'm going to have to start eliminating people soon (Preacherman comes up in my mind in this respect since he hasn't posted in over four months) because I'm linking to too many people. I may start linking to people who all have different blogrolls and just leave it at that. British soon-to-be Lutheran Confessing Evangelical deserves a link as well. As for Preacherman's lack of posting, he's a pastor in an active parish so I more than understand why the blog is being neglected. I just wish he would take a minute and say whether or not he wants to keep blogging or if he is stopping for good. Anyway, I'm dropping him.

Finally, Christians in the Middle East. Read it and weep.

Protest Warrior is reporting that the anti-war crowd (sponsored by the pinko-commie french-loving group ANSWER) will be marching on America's largest cities on March 20th. If I had known sooner, I would have actually flown out, crashed with someone, and gone in with a sign (or 20). I could give Tim this sign while I marched around screaming with this sign (which has a definite Life of Brian flair). Anyway, if you see a few hundred people holding up traffic while trying to go wherever you go a week from Saturday, give them the finger for me.

I have decided that I am ready to answer questions (be "interviewed" in blogspeak). So, if you are on my blogroll (if you're not, I'm probably not reading you), go ahead and post questions on your blog and I shall answer.

I woke up this morning and went downstairs for breakfast as usual, and who didn't I hear that I normally hear: Louie. His parakeet songsmithing was the normal background music for reading the morning paper while eating breakfast. I go downstairs and what is missing from his cage? Louie. He would always scoot away from me whenever I came downstairs, even though he could only scoot a foot, maybe, because of his cage and always made a racket. It was silent when I went downstairs tonight. How come I miss a bird I could not really say I liked? If I'm missing a bird this much after its death, how hard will it be for me when my dog (she's 13) or my cat (he's 11) dies? I'm going to be balling like a little baby declaring how unfair life is. Hell, if the fish go belly-up I'll be sad. The one thing that truly sucks about having pets is that they die, just like us.

Via Oh, That Liberal Media!:

Revealed: how 'war hero' Kerry tried to put off Vietnam military duty

Senator John Kerry, the presumed Democratic presidential candidate who is trading on his Vietnam war record to campaign against President George W Bush, tried to defer his military service for a year, according to a newly rediscovered article in a Harvard University newspaper.

Who says a Clinton isn't running for the White House!

In memory of Louie. May he squawk in peace.

A customer enters a pet shop.
Customer: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
C: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
C: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
O: We're closin' for lunch.
C: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
O: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
C: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
O: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
C: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
O: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
C: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
O: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
C: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up!
(shouting at the cage)
'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...(owner hits the cage)
O: There, he moved!
C: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
O: I never!!
C: Yes, you did!
O: I never, never did anything...
C: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
C: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
O: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
C: STUNNED?!?
O: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
C: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
O: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
C: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
O: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
C: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
O: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
C: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
O: No no! 'E's pining!
C: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause)
O: Well, I'd better replace it, then.
(he takes a quick peek behind the counter)
O: Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
C: I see. I see, I get the picture.
O: I got a slug.
(pause)
C: Pray, does it talk?
O: Nnnnot really.
C: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
(Pause)
O: Would you like to go upstairs?
C: Thought you would never ask.

I went back and read the Hungarian Phrasebook Sketch and I had forgotten these classics:

"Ah. You have beautiful thighs."

"Drop your panties, Sir William; I cannot wait 'til lunchtime."

"My nipples explode with delight!"

I might have to use that last one later.

I must say that my post on the Office of the Keys was very successful commentwise. As per my usual fashion, when you all get excited like sharks and start circling the meat, I get out of the water and let everyone else duke it out. I'm not one to defend ideas as much as just let them fly and see what happens to them.

Everyone else is linking to Ruminating Lutheran's posts on worship, and I see no reason why I should be any different.

Allah is busy offending people. No surprise there.

Court Rejects Kieschnick's Claim of Immunity Under Missouri Law

A Short Introduction to L. Martin Nussbaum's "Scandal and the Constitution"

This ought to provoke some interesting thought: The Passover Seder and the Lutheran Congregation

In case you are wondering if I will ever reorganize my archives, I will be going to monthly archives soon because my blog is just getting too big. It's almost been a year since I started this little website of mine, and it has gone from a place to moan about my own sad state of affairs to someplace where my love of God, my love of doctrine, my sense of humor (as warped as it is), and my xenophobia all come together and completely obliterate each other.


BROTHER MAYNARD: Armaments, Chapter Two, verses Nine to Twenty-one.

SECOND BROTHER: And Saint Attila raised the hand grenade up on high, saying, 'O Lord, bless this thy hand grenade that with it thou mayest blow thine enemies to tiny bits, in thy mercy.' And the Lord did grin, and the people did feast upon the lambs and sloths and carp and anchovies and orangutans and breakfast cereals and fruit bats and large chu--

MAYNARD: Skip a bit, Brother.

SECOND BROTHER: And the Lord spake, saying, 'First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, nor either count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thy foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it.'

MAYNARD: Amen.


Update: My new comments lines are inspired by Monty Python's Hungarian Phrasebook Sketch. I saved everybody the trouble of having to look at a line that says, "If I said you had a beautiful body would you hold it against me. I am no longer infected."

Matzat and Benke Divided on Deity of Christ At Las Vegas

Board to CCM: Let's 'withdraw,' let convention address issues

From: "Jesus First Coordinator"

God and Allah Are Not the Same, Judge Told

The BOD - CCM Controversy

Update: Anonymous Lutherans jump into frey with BOD-CCM

Nussbaum was advocate for dismissal of civic lawsuits against Catholic church -- now defends CCM

Of course the last link is guilty by association, but I hate most laywers so I'll let it slide.

Chris Johnson might want to take a look at this. The E*CA is confronting this issue shortly. The cards are marked, the game rigged, and the outcome already determined. All that is left to see is how many pieces it breaks up into after that study appears.

It's been raining for two days straight. We're under a flash flood watch. I could hardly get out of be this morning.

I went through my books and found four different books I had started quite a while back (over a year ago) and haven't finished yet. I might try polishing off one of those books tonight. I really should have finished The Case for Amillennialism quite a while ago. I started reading that when I was almost daily confronting dispies. Now that I hardly talk to them, I can probably finish the book. Other titles unfinished include The Lord's Prayer, The Proper Distinction Between Law and Gospel, The Lord's Supper, and Amusing Ourselves to Death. Maybe for Lent I should stop watching TV and finish all these books.

You know what, as I was typing my large post out today, I thought, "I ought to update everyone on my arm." As you can see, I immediately forgot about that. Anyway, my arm is much less swollen (it still is somewhat swollen) and the redness has dissipated. I have full mobility again, and hardly any pain. Thanks to everyone who prayed for me. I do appreciate it. One thing I did realize: if this had happened sixty or seventy years ago, I would have had to have my arm amputated. Yes, that's scary.

Consider this a preemptive strike. The proposal below is just that: a proposed argument. I would like to hear opinions on both its strengths and weaknesses. I will not tolerate accusations.

Chris Jones has an interesting post up. All I can say is he argues sometimes like he's still Orthodox, which isn't a bad thing. He threw up a couple arguments that I didn't even think about (or know about for that matter).

What is the Office of the Keys?

The office of the keys is that special authority which Christ has given to his church on earth to forgive the sins of repentant sinners, but to withhold forgiveness from the unrepentant as long as they do not repent.

Where is this written?

St. John the Evangelist writes in chapter 20: The Lord Jesus breather on His disciples and said, "Receive the Holy Spirit. If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven." [John 20:22-23]

What do you believe according to these words?

I believe when the called ministers of Christ deal with us by his divine command, in particular when they exclude openly unrepentant sinners from the Christian congregation and absolve those who repent of their sins and want to do better, this is just as valid and certain, even in heaven, as if Christ our dear Lord dealt with us himself.--Luther's Small Catechism, p. 27, 1986, CPH

So, where am I going with this?

We do believe the Office of the Keys gives the pastor the power to declare one's sins either loosed or bound. So, here comes a question no one wants to ask: is holding false doctrine sinful? Considering I have given my pastor plenty of time to give me an answer to this question, I gave the question much thought and I would have to answer yes. If you are holding to false doctrine, your faith is clinging to something that you shouldn't and, often times, false doctrine is the result of our old Adam trying to pervert the faith God gave us. Anything from our old Adam is bound to be sinful. There is no way to say that false doctrine isn't sinful.

Think you know where I am going?

Now that we have established false doctrine is sinful, let's get back to the pastor. The pastor is responsible for his flock. Being that, "all we like sheep, have gone astray, we have turned everyone to his own way." (Isaiah 53:6), he does have his hands full, especially with a sheep like me. I say this because, at some point, we all have to take personal responsibility for our actions because the pastor cannot monitor everything. Since he is responsible to a point, however, let us dance upon that line and see where it leads us.

Confession and absolution is often described as the third sacrament by the Confessions. It derives it power, however, through the Sacrament of Baptism. This is no coincidence. The fact we are called to daily remove the old Adam and put on the new is only possible because of our baptism. Repentance is only possible because God gave us the New Adam. Absolution is only possible because of the New Adam: Christ with us. So, what if the old Adam tricks us to clinging to sinfulness? We do not want to repent, and the pastor bounds our sins. There is one other thing we forget: the Lord's table is closed to that person. Forgiveness is also available there. However, judgment is also available and the unrepentant will find judgment there, so the pastor does the loving thing and forbids the unrepentant from coming to the table.

So, the question is, can you now see where I am going?

So, through all the rambling, we finally slam the door on this argument. The argument goes like this:

1) The pastor holds the Office of the Keys.
2) The power of that office derives from the Sacraments themselves.
3) False doctrine is sinful because the old Adam clings to such doctrine.
4) If the pastor knows that someone holds to false doctrine, yet allows that person to commune, he is not properly using his office.

There are plenty of cases where the pastor has done all he can and people still hold to false doctrine and they do not realize it. If the pastor, however, is just plain unwilling to police his own table, that is a much different story. It is one thing to commune someone accidentally, it is another to commune someone purposely. The pastor who does this and is unwilling to bind the unrepentant's sins has no business loosing anyone's sins. Those pastors need to repent themselves and begin policing their tables.

I developed this argument in a very crude form while discussing with another member of an LCMS congregation on the internet about how to undermine the E*CA's communion policy. The fact that it also works to undermine many LCMS congregations policy of open communion is just coincidence.

I'm bracing myself for the accusations that I am "unloving."

I have two last things to say before I go to bed. First, Thomas has been moved back to the Lutheran blogs. Second, Ryan updated his webpage while I wasn't looking. Very nice, Ryan.

I never thought I would have to implement this, but someone broke the one rule you never break, and it is the ultimate in party fouls. The punishment for spilling your beer is light compared to this party foul. This party foul is so bad there can be only one result: death. Since I cannot implement a death sentence (I neither have the authority nor a sharp sword to do the proper beheading this foul deserves), I can only do what I can do. What is the foul, you ask? Simple: RON THE TERRIBLE SWEDE INSULTED SOMEONE WHO HAD BOUGHT HIM BEER THE DAY BEFORE!. Even if the devil himself buys you a beer, you don't insult him afterwards. Now he's got me wondering if and when he's going to turn around and stab me in the back. Therefore, the terrible swede is off my blogroll, and, rather than punish his wife for his actions, I will delete any further comments he might make on my blog no matter what their nature. Anyone who quotes or discuses a point made by Ron will also be deleted.

I wondered if Terry was purposely trying to start WWIII. My ass was sore and my arm swollen so I didn't bite. Ron managed to bite his tongue. It doesn't matter. I ought to just ban everyone from the ULC from commenting. Yep. That would solve everything. NOT!

I don't know. I'm mad. At everyone. Except Dan2. Dan2 rocks because his name is Daniel.

My Office of the Holy Priesthood post shall wait a little longer because I had to deal with everything. If you want to find me, I'll be out at Sidepockets this Sunday drinking and trying to bluff my way though no-limit Texas hold 'em. Oh, and also, F the French.

Oooo Danny Boy, the pipes, the pipes are calling...

I was going to finish off my post on the Office of the Keys tonight, but that little jaunt is being temporarily detoured for a couple of reasons. First, I was unable to talk to my pastor to see if where I want to go is actually reasonable (I think it is, but you never know) and also the fact that my left arm swelled up due to a staph infection and I had to make an emergency jaunt to the doctor to get a shot. The fact that the shot went into my gludious maximus shows what I think many people already thought of me: I am a pain in the ass.

Before my left arm falls off, the newest member of the blogroll is The Small Catechlysm. The fact that he wants to be called an Evangelical Catholic rather than a Lutheran is alright with me. He's still stuck in the Lutheran links, though.

To quote Jeff from Richmond: GOOD NIGHT NOW!!!