More postings about Beer.

Edmund: Right, now; let's make sure you've got this. We are having two parties here tonight...

Baldrick: Right.

Percy: Right.

Edmund: ...and they must be kept completely separate.

Baldrick & Percy: Right.

Edmund: Firstly, a total piss-up -- involving beer throwing, broken furniture and wall-to-wall vomiting -- to be held here in Baldrick's bedroom.

Baldrick: Oh, thank you very much, My Lord! [Percy pats him on the shoulder in congratulations]

[Edmund goes to the main living room of the house (where the previous house scenes have taken place).]

Edmund: Secondly, Percy will join me in here for the gourmet-turnip eating. Is the Turnip Surprise ready?

[Baldrick and Percy begin giggling.]

Baldrick: Yes, it is, My Lord.

Edmund: Then what is so funny?

Percy: Well, My Lord, while Baldrick and I were preparing the Turnip Surprise, >we< had a surprise -- we came across a turnip that was exactly the same shape...as a thingy!

[Percy and Baldrick laugh.]

Edmund: [not amused] ...a thingy...

Baldrick: ...a great big thingy! It was terrific.

Edmund: Size is no guarantee of quality, Baldrick. Most horses are very well endowed, but that does not necessarily make them sensitive lovers. I trust you have removed this hilarious item...?

Baldrick: Oh, yes, yes, My Lord.

Edmund: Good, because there's nothing more likely to stop an inheritance than a thingy-shaped turnip.

Percy: Absolutely, Edmund. ...but it was jolly funny! [laughs more]

Edmund: Yes, yes, yes...

Baldrick: I found it particularly ironic, My Lord, because I've got a thingy that's shaped like a turnip!

Edmund: Yes, all right...

Baldrick: I'm quite [?] at parties...

Edmund: [not interested] are you...

Baldrick: Yeah -- I hide in the vegetable rack and frighten the children.

Edmund: What fun... Perhaps you've forgotten that I'm meant to be having a drinking competition here tonight with Lord Melchett, and ten thousand florins are at stake!

Baldrick: Oh dear...

Edmund: What do you mean?

Baldrick: Well, firstly, you haven't got ten thousand florins; and, thirdly, one drop of the ale and you fall flat on your face and start singing that song about the goblin.

Edmund: That's nonsense. ... ... ... but just in case it's true--

Baldrick: [to Percy] It is true -- I saw it!

Edmund: Yes, all right, all right, it's true, it's true... So, the plan is: When I call for my Incredibly Strong Ale, you must pass me water in an ale bottle. Have you got that?

Baldrick: Yeah -- when you call for ale, I pass water...

Edmund: Percy, your job is to stay here and suck up to my aunt.

Percy: [tries to act suave] Ah, I think you can trust me to know how to handle a woman...

Edmund: Oh god...


Aunt: Wicked child!!! Chairs are an invention of Satan! In our house, Nathaniel sits on a spike!

Edmund: ...and yourself...?

Aunt: I sit on Nathaniel -- two spikes would be an extravagance.


Edmund: Well, quite -- which reminds me, Aunty--

Aunt: [stands up] Don't call me `Aunty'!!! [slaps him twice] `Aunt' is a relative, and relatives are evidence of sex; and sex is hardly a fitting subject for the dinner table. [sits]

Edmund: ...or, indeed, any table...

Percy: ...except, perhaps, a table in a brothel.

Edmund: [kicks Percy off his chair] Oh dear, Percy, it seems you have fallen off your chair...

[Baldrick enters, carrying a plate on which sits the thingy-shaped turnip]

Edmund: Now then, what was I saying? [sees the turnip and speaks without a pause] Oh my god...

Baldrick: [to Aunt] Your turnip, My Lady...

Aunt: [picks up the turnip, holds it in front of her, her eyes wide] Very good! Very good! [bites into it, then points it at Uncle, and speaks to him] You know, Nathaniel, it takes me right back to our wedding night...

[Uncle's eyes open wide, in surprise.]

Aunt: [to Edmund] We had raw turnips that night.