Friday, April 30, 2004
Update: It didn't wipe out my template, but it did wipe out most of my sidebar. It will be a slow reconstruction because I do not know much html and I, now that most of my links are gone, would really like a new template. I'm going to have to look at the parts of my old template that survived and see what I need to do to add the features I want (like the ability to link to individual posts) and still keep my links list. Gibe me time and I'll work this out. Until then, my blog will be a skeleton.
I apparently hit save when a lightning hit the area and messed up my template. It pisses me off.
Newer Update: I finally just said "hell with it" and changed my blog template. I'm working on repairing the damage and things shouls be back to normal soon. Comments will be down temporarilly (that's my next project) so, if you need to get a hold of me, I'm available at beerisforamateurs at yahoo dot com.
I am trying to decide what I need to satirize on my birthday. I do not need an indulgence because I found this one for free. Anyways, if anyone has any ideas, I'll be more than willing to take them and see where I can go. I do have a couple of ideas bouncing inside my thick, ugly skull, but I want to see if everyone else has the same rotten ideas I have.
Edited because I can't spell.
My buddy Ryan gets to brave South Dakota on his vicarage. The Black Hills will be his and his wife's home for a year. Lucky him.
If it's not too much to ask, you might pray for both of them. They'll need it.
Thursday, April 29, 2004
1. If you were eat a baby, how would you cook it? Medium rare. I don't want to catch something.
2. If you were to exterminate any ethnic group or nationality, what would it be? The French: the world would be better off with a few less Frenchman.
3. What is the best way to punish a disobedient spouse? Set her hair aflame.
4. After conquering your enemies, do you put their women and children to the sword first or burn their crops and salt the earth first? Burn the crops, salt the earth, kill the men, rape the women, enslave the children.
5. Favorite torture device/method: The Rack
6. Most evil person I admire: Stalin: Killed more people and ruled longer than Hitler.
7. Most evil thing I've laughed at: Racist jokes
8. Most evil thing I've tried to logically justify: Watching the Faces of Death Movies
9. Favorite dictator responsible for the deaths of > 1 million people: Pol Pot: wiped out nearly a quarter of Cambodia's population.
10. Which secret police would you most like to join: The KGB, Gestapo, Stasi, Cong Ang, or Santebal? Cong Ang: Killed many people without discretion.
11. A Jew, an African-American, an Irishman, a kindergartener, an Untouchable, and a battered woman are stuck with you on a desert island. Who do you eat first? The Irishman for the same reasons Josh gives.
12. If you were selling narcotics on an elementary school playground, would you sell cocaine or meth? Cocaine. If I got caught selling it, I could claim it's Anthrax.
13. Which is a more satisfying sound: the crunch of a puppy's skull under your wheels, or his yelps as he bursts into flames? Crushing the skull..
I'm a sick bastard.
Wednesday, April 28, 2004
1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog along with these instructions.
"Civil theology or phyletism (the identification of one's own nation and its values with the universal church) has inclined us, as we rejected Soviet politics, to reject Russian believers as well." -- Eastern Orthodox Christianity: A western perspective
Pastor Joel A. Brondos' Collarbones
The Door (Warning: Dangerous satire ahead. May be fatal to your funny bone.) A magazine that presented Pat Robertson with its first Lifetime Looser (TM) Award. Congratulations to Mr. Robertson! (I had to edit this post because my grammar sucks)
Okay, listen up, everybody, so you can plan ahead.
By the power vested in me by me, I am declaring May to be Irony Free Month in Lutheran Blogland. No posts or links with overt reliance on ironic tone. Also, no gratuitous sarcasm. Say what you mean, mean what you say.
And ignorance of the law is no defense
I know Twylah is trying to be serious and trying to do good thing for the Lutheran blogsphere in general. Being, however, that I am one of the longer-running bloggers here (only Josh and Chris Jones have blogged longer than I have (LCMS wise)), I don't think she has anywhere near the weight needed to try to pull something like this off. I may or may not keep to it. I don't know. It just depends on what happens in May. If I get some news that requires sarcasm or irony, I'll use it. If I think the story makes a mess of itself without any comment, I do that as well. I even produce a decent piece of satire now and then (I like the John Kerry "Dick and Jane" short story below). Besides, my birthday is in May and I'm going to roll out the satire express then.
Like the results had a chance of being anything else.
I tashte like Alcohol.
Heh. Heh. I taste like beer. I like beer. Buy me a beer. I'm not drunk, I can drink plenty without... What was I saying? Beer. What Flavour Are You?
Tuesday, April 27, 2004
Neal and Josh already blogged about this, so I'll just follow along. Saddam's WMD have been found: New evidence unveils chemical, biological, nuclear, ballistic arms.
See John Kerry. See John Kerry flop. Flop, Kerry, Flop!
See Kerry Spin. Spin Kerry Spin! Kerry is dizzy. (Thanks to Instapundit)
Monday, April 26, 2004
Yesterday was a good day before a certain person whose name shall remain anonymous ruined it for me by hitting a nerve he should have never even thought of touching. I had a chance to spend a little time with one of my cousins who is about to be a dad. He and his wife were in town for the baby shower, and I had the chance to cruise around Wichita with him and grab a beer and lunch. It is quite interesting watching a soon-to-be new dad. He was nervous and he was excited as well. His baby girl (97% chance) is going to enter the world in about two weeks. We were going around looking at TV stations in the hope that he might be able to get a job here in Wichita and be around the family. God bless my cousin and his wife and say a few prayers for a safe delivery and a healthy baby.
Sunday, April 25, 2004
Let me see, he gets promoted to E3 after he gets out of basic, he gets combat and hazardous duty pay, he gets allowances. Hey, your problem is you actually believe the media when they said he made $19,000 a year. You know better. You believed the media, which, ultimately, is a problem. My boss was an ossifer in the Air Force and if you heard the stories he told, you wouldn't want to do that, degree or no degree.
Since he had a degree (in what?) and took an enlisted position, do I conclude he was a dumbass, perpetuating the "Dumb Jock" idea?
I don't know, graduating Summa Cum Laude with a 3.82 in three and a half years with a degree in marketing and play college football isn't too bad . Yes, he has to be a dumb jock!
Money may not have been an issue. But considering he had a wife to take care of he could had taken better care of her with millions from a sport he loves than from the thousands the govt gives for such service and duty.
Let us analyze this. He had already made enough money to live computable for the rest of his life, and he decided to join the army. Of course, you probably didn't know about this when the story first broke because you don't like sports. Let us look at his decision in the light of the doctrine of vocation. Was he taking care of his wife better by earning millions or by killing terrorist bastards before they killed her. Money is no good if she's dead. Thus he was doing a better service to his wife by killing terrorists. Oh, and by your logic, half our seminarians shouldn't be going to seminary. By that logic, my grandparents shoudn't have gotten married. By that logic, my grandfather shouldn't have volunteered in WWII. Am I getting my point across.
He still a dumbass!
Thank you for making this point, mispelling commission and commissioned, and basically showing yourself to being a jerk. You might as well just have just taken a dump on my grandfather's grave.
Saturday, April 24, 2004
How do you get banned? There are many ways. Calling a fallen soldier who is dead a dumbass when you are a veteran is one really easy way to get yourself banned. I warned the Terrible Swede that he was causing me too much agony when he lets loose with a dumbass remark, an insult which got me hot enough to want to take a baseball bat and do very unfriendly things to the "indymedia" types. Because the people I know end up causing my blood pressure to rise more than anyone, I have banned anyone who knows me who has posted comments on my blog. Congratulations Terrible Swede: you got everyone who personally knows me banned because you just couldn't keep your hands off the keyboard.
Friday, April 23, 2004
Thursday, April 22, 2004
greatest city in America and are damn proud of
your heritage. You are well respected and
deservedly so. Rock on.
Which Beer are you?
brought to you by Quizilla
A new beer quiz. Too many people complained about the last one.
Wednesday, April 21, 2004
1) Beer shall be considered a natural resource.
2) Much of the economy shall be developed to perfect the brewing and shipping of beer. Economic incentives shall be in place to allow the development of new brews.
3) There shall be a mandatory draught. The mandatory drinking age is 18. The voluntary drinking age is 21.
4) Lawyers must go through mandatory tropical, desert, and artic survival training. Anyone who lives through it may practice law.
5) I will use every Presidential power available to me to give the courts the bird if they render a stupid decision.
6) If Osama bin Laden is caught, I will personally take a hot poker and stick it up his ass.
7) Gun control as we know it will end. Any criminal found with a gun shall be shot on site. You don?t have to kill the bastard; you just have to shoot him.
8) Dumb lawsuits will end. If you sue someone and the suit is determined to be stupid, you will appear before a firing squad.
9) Read my lips: No more Precious Moments. Carthage, Missouri shall be nuked.
10) The mainline denominations shall all be audited for pretending to be churches.
11) Foundations shall be audited for pretending to be charities.
That?s it for now.
Tuesday, April 20, 2004
Since the topic of language has come up elsewhere, I have decided to tackle it here. I have three main rules:
1) I only use the F and S bombs in relation to the French.
2) The second commandment shall be observed.
3) Using words from Depraved and Insulting English is allowed.
Speaking of words from that book, I am trying to decide which word fits the Terrible Swede better: catarolysis or coprolalia. Vote now!
Monday, April 19, 2004
Sunday, April 18, 2004
Friday, April 16, 2004
I ran into this story while goofing around. Defiant Lutheran congregations appoint active gay pastors. You all in the ELCA wonder why I think your church is Miller Light.
I missed this article by Uwe Siemon-Netto. Are Episcopalians Still a Church? A Lutheran theologian/journalist examines Robinson confirmation.
That's all I have for now.
|What metal band are you?|
You are Opeth! You are very poetic with your lyrics, and your music flows like a waterfall. Your emotions change from angry to sad very quickly. Some people don't like you because you can sound too depressing. You're one of the best metal bands in the world, and you worship your fans!
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|What type of Beer drinker are you?|
You like the meal in a pint, and you don't care about the image
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Thursday, April 15, 2004
Here is the setup. I volunteered to help out at the past two National Youth Gatherings. The first gathering, I did servant events and I had a blast. I learned how not to do servant events (make sure the bus driver knows where he is going) and met a lot of very diverse and interesting people. Somehow, I have managed to not keep in touch with any of them (very typical of me). The second gathering, I learned how to take getting yelled at by hot, angry crowds, that the SP elect even needs the proper bracelet to get in (yes, I did meet Kieschnick), and how to drink beer even though the covenant you signed says you shouldn't. That's what happens when you put two geologists into the same roomin a hotel. You gotta love the French Quarter. All of this proved to me that the Doctrine of Total Depravity is correct.
I am positive I haven't told this story to anyone, but I think it does need to be told. The Friday before the gathering (it started on a Saturday), all the workers and volunteers got together for a worship service and communion. By this point, my transformation from loving Contemporary Christian Music (I have a huge collection of CCM in the basement which I rarely listen to anymore) to becoming a man made in the image of Bach (sort of). I did know one thing at this time: the Prayer of Jabez was a book to be despised and the Purple Palace (a term I haven't used: synodical headquarters) released a statement to that effect. I walk into the hall (we ate pizza in the place before the service) and I find a praise and worship band setting up. OK. I'm not exactly happy about this but I'll deal with it. The service was hosted by a local church and the President of the Southern District helped with the reading. Let me tell you the shock when the reading was 1 Chronicles 4:9-11 . I was thinking, "OK, maybe he has some strong sermon against the book." I actually obeyed the Eighth Commandment (this is not as much me bragging as me just saying that it was a miracle and I cannot take any credit for it). Then came the sermon and I could hear all those positive thoughts being flushed down the drain with my ignorance. Yes, I actually hear a man certified by the LCMS as a shepherd lead this flock of sheep right to the gates of "name it and claim it" land. He preached on aspects of Jabez and his prayer and then had us go to our knees to pray about that aspect. My prayers were probably much different than my colleagues. Mine started with "Our Father" and "Why God!? Why!?" and when I was done with that, "I believe in God the Father almighty..." What I should have done was walk out, but I was in such shock that someone within the LCMS would actually say the things I was hearing. If I had thought about it, I would have taken notes as proof of what I was seeing. Somehow, I managed to justify taking communion from this pastor (another mistake which I have been kicking myself for three years about) and the nightmare was over. If this had happened now, I would have taken notes and then left before communion and found the Irish Pub in the French Quarter I had scouted out and had a sacrament of black and tans and pretzels. It would have done me more good than that sermon. It was that day that sent me over the edge and I became the thorn in the side of everybody that I am today. I learned a lesson that day as well: tolerance sucks.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
Edited for clarity. If I didn't do it, Erica would have.
Tuesday, April 13, 2004
Celebrate Jesus the Revisionist. How about celebrate me hurling after reading this crap. This is the kind of stuff that only stiff shots of cask-strength Scotch can cure chased with multiple shots of Jaeger. You know, sometimes you just have to roll your eyes, smile, and, in the most loving and caring way possible, tell them they are idiots. This is what Claus harms meant in his Ninety-Five Theses (soon-to-be posted on the long blog) when he said that, "... Christianity is reformed out of this world."
Another thing: I am surprised by what is and is not getting comments. I really need to quit thinking about what people may or may not say about my blog and just keep posting my thoughts on different issues.
I am probably in trouble at the Old Lutheran boards. I, being the pleasant guy that I am, posted my defense of closed communion by pointing out it is consistent with Luther's doctrine of the OHM. I took my gas can in, doused the place, and started throwing lit matches all over. Needless to say, I am avoiding the place for a couple of weeks and then will probably go back in, gas can and matches in hand, and set the place ablaze. They probably think I am some fundamentalist licktwat without a brain.
I am not going to post any images of myself from anything resembling the recent past. I will, however, post this confirmation picture.
Ain't I cute? Yeah, right.
A poem on beer. It should bring a tear to everybody's eyes.
Monday, April 12, 2004
The Long Blog has finished the Holy Week Cycle. I might occasionally post hymns and readings there for now on, but it will probably start being the home of resolutions the SP doesn't like and pictures of me.
I wanted to ask Neal a question and I keep forgetting. Have you had a St. Pauli Girl yet?
Erica is home from the hospital. I went and visited tonight with my sister and we watched National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation (yes, I love irony) and The Wedding Singer. She is still in some pain (not nearly as bad as yesterday) and has two painkillers to help out. It was good to see her in a better mood and things under control.
Maybe I'll try to find another picture of a beergirl for Easter. I know all my male readership would appreciate that.
Sunday, April 11, 2004
Wahrlich ist er erstanden!
Thanks to Karl for the link.
This is for Chris the Brit:
Atgyfododd yn wir!
I have tons of ideas to blog about, and I do not remember any of them right now.
A book I highly suggest reading is Darwin's God: Evolution and the Problem of Evil by Cornelius G. Hunter. This is possibly the best book on evolution I have ever read, and I have read more than most people. Mr. Hunter attacks the metaphysics of Darwinism by attacking the foundation it was built upon. It gives a very strong case that Darwinism, at its core, is a theodicity. There are assumptions made about who God is and what he can and cannot do. Ultimately, every piece of evidence boils down to, "God wouldn't do it that way." As soon as they reach that point, it suddenly becomes theology. Darwinism is a theology with a scientific veneer.
Saint Pontius: The Passion, Pilate, and the political vocation.
The Passion of the Christ.
Kerry Ignores Reproaches of Some Bishops. It's getting really bad when the New York "let's make things up and plagerize" Times starts nipping at your heals.
By the way, I am going to hell, if you didn't know.
Saturday, April 10, 2004
Friday, April 09, 2004
In other news, I am going to hell.
Thursday, April 08, 2004
I have been reading a book called The Creationists: The evolution of scientific creationism by Ronald L. Numbers. While I was reading this, I was thinking about my own position on evolution and creation and how I am skeptical of the LCMS' position because of its Seventh Day Adventist origins. I am skeptical of evolution, especially neo-Darwinism. I don't like theologians telling scientists what science is and is not. I have decided to let science and theology to hang in paradox. We let other things hang in paradox within our theology so why not let science hang in paradox in contrast to our theology. One says the world is young while the other says it is old. So?
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
You know, I should have never said the whole politics thing slows down during Lent. I am eating my words right now.
Once again, from CAT41:
[Note: the writers of this overture should have also noted that the calling of a special convention is nearly impossible, since it requires almost all of the District Presidents to agree that there exists a reason for such; i.e., the current bylaw in this regard absolutely robs the congregations of the synod of their voice in such matters. EJG]
The Crookston Circuit Forum (Minnesota North District) sent in the following overture for consideration by the 2004 LCMS Synodical Convention. It has been rejected by Dr. Kieschnick, alleging it "contains information which is materially in error, or contains an apparent misrepresentation of truth or character". No information is given as to which part of the overture is found to contain such. The overture, along with a letter from Dr. Kieschnick, has been forwarded to District President Donald Fondow's office, "which 'has ecclesiastical supervision over the entity submitting the overture for action'". The overture as submitted is below:
To Provide a Means for Suspension or Deposition of A Synodical President
WHEREAS, God states that all things should be done decently and in order, especially as this relates to the privilege of the proclamation of the Gospel and our witness and practice in this regard (1 Corinthians 14:40); and
WHEREAS, Sin brings disorder and hinders the proclamation of the Gospel as a result; and
WHEREAS, Events within our church body have taken place which demonstrate such hindrances and the ensuing consequences resulting in disharmony and lack of good order; and
WHEREAS, As a result of these events questions were addressed to the Commission on Constitutional Matters (CCM) for the sake of clarification and the opportunity to continue to walk together as Synod, and
WHEREAS, Some of the rulings by the CCM effectively place any person occupying the Office of the President of the LC-MS above the synodical constitution in between regularly scheduled synodical conventions (01-2240, 01-2241); and
WHEREAS, These rulings reveal that members of the Synod are without a means for suspension or deposition or of the opportunity to effectively deal with these matters for the sake of decency and good order which pertain to a sitting president if charges of false doctrine are brought forward and upheld in between regular conventions of Synod (cf. Constitution (Art. XI A 2), Bylaw 3.103, c.); and
WHEREAS, The only recourse according to the current Synodical Handbook is to call a special Synodical Convention (Art. VIII B 2) which is expensive, time consuming, and allows for possible continued opportunity for a synodical president to continue to do damage to the church while the constitutional process slowly progresses; and
WHEREAS, The constitution mentions "the deposition from office" of the president (Art. XI C 2), but fails to provide a mechanism for this to happen in good order; and
RESOLVED, That The Lutheran Church-Missouri Synod meeting in convention request of the LC-MS Commission on Structure two means or models for placing a synodical president on restricted status, suspension, or deposition from office for cause, that are neither too difficult nor too easy to implement in a time of need or crisis, as is the case already provided (for example) with district presidents (Bylaw 2.27, c, 2, g); and be it further
RESOLVED, That the Commission on Structure present its results for vote at the next Synodical Convention in 2007.
Right now, because of the CCM, if a Synodical President, say for instance, gets caught with the secretary, there is no means to dispose of him without calling a special convention. Our SP could commit murder and not get tossed out of office until the next convention. The SP could convert to Mormonism and still be SP under the ridiculous CCM ruling. There needs to be a way to discipline a SP between conventions. Right now, there is nothing to keep a SP in check. This is a concern no matter who's in office.
Monday, April 05, 2004
Sunday, April 04, 2004
Here's my year in review.
*Benke got off.
*Schultz got fired.
*BOD got pissed.
*CCM got packed.
*CTCR was ignored.
*Lutheran blogsphere enlarged exponentially.
*Terrible Swede drank at Tim's expense.
*It was rumored everyone named Chris drank.
*Life was good.
*I read books
*Josh read many more books than I.
*John H. drank Real Ale
*Many of us like Britcoms.
*Monty Python still rules.
*Rocks are cool.
*Anglicanism is gay.
*The ELCA is gay by CCM.
*Thomas about drowned himself in the Tiber.
*Walt Whitman is gay.
*I don't have a clue.
*I hate the French but love the Frogman.
*Sometimes Catholics do come to their senses.
*Commend people at the bar, not at convention.
How's that for a list.
*Hoists Black and Tan*
Here's to another year.
Have a wonderful Holy Week. If you don't, I'm going to hunt you down and slap you as hard as I can with a herring.
Saturday, April 03, 2004
Before I "went off the deep end," I made a comment about Lent being a quiet time politically within the bureaucracy because everybody was too busy trying not to drown in work. Not everyone is quite that busy, however. From CAT41:
[The following overture was submitted by St. Paul's Ev. Lutheran Church of Brookfield, IL. It has been deemed one that is "materially in error, or contains an apparent misrepresentation of truth or of character." The question is, "Has President Kieschnick, on fact, so far isolated himself from the FACTS in this matter that he wouldn't know them if they jumped up and bit him, or is he just unwilling or unable to accept those *well-documented* facts because they don't fit his theologico-political agenda?" "This isn't your grandfather's church." No, because the grandfathers in the LCMS didn't demand the acceptance of an institutional lie, but let it come to the convention floor to be reproved. We are now in the midst of a true 'imperial presidency', wherein more power has been accrued to the office of synod president--and that power has been more abundantly abused--then one would have thought possible. With this edict from St. Louis, we have become Rome. EJG]
TO THANK GOD FOR THE 25 YEAR MINISTRY OF DR. WALLACE SCHULZ AS LUTHERAN HOUR SPEAKER
Whereas, Dr. Wallace Schulz, the Second Vice-President of the LCMS, did faithfully for 25 years proclaim God's Word of Law and Gospel on the International Lutheran Hour, and
Whereas, he thereby strengthened the faith of many and brought into the fellowship of our Lord an unknown number, there fore be it
Resolved, that the Synod in Convention assembled thank God for Dr. Schulz and thank Dr. Schulz for his faithful service, and be it further
Resolved, that the synod express its regret to the Lutheran Laymen's League for releasing Dr. Schulz from his call as LUTHERAN HOUR Speaker even though they had assured him that his decision in the Benke case, which had been thrust upon him in his office as second vice-president of the Synod, would not effect his standing as LUTHERAN HOUR Speaker.
Ronald Kuehn Mark Stern
St. Paul's Ev. Lutheran Church Secretary
Brookfield, Illinois St. Paul's Ev. Lutheran Church
This overture will not appear in the 2004 convention workbook.
Dr. Gerald Kieschnick, the president of the LCMS, has written a letter to the President of the Northern Illinois District that "the attached overture(s) submitted by an entity from your district contains information which is materially in error, or contains an apparent misrepresentation of truth or of character."
He further wrote to President Ameiss, "In accord with Bylaw 3.19.d., this overture is hereby being referred to your office, which has ecclesiastical supervision over the entity submitting the overture for action."
This deserves some extremely witty and incisive commentary, but I have none to give. If it is a pope we wanted, we sure got it. If, for some strange reason, someone who actually has some say is reading this, this is the insanity we have devolved to. We can't even give thanks for the good work God has done through someone anymore because he happened to irritate the current SP. It's stuff like this that makes wonder if, someday, my April Fool's prank will show up again but this time it won't be April 1.
Friday, April 02, 2004
The joke worked out much better than I expected. Only one person, that I know of, actually caught the joke. The April 1 date was your first clue. The belief in infant communion was your second clue. The silly posts leading up to the last post was a final clue.
I knew I had to convert; to what was the main issue. I decided on the ECC because, honestly, if there was no infant communion, I could probably actually accept the rest of the legalism in place in that church body. Rome and Constantinople were just too obvious if I wanted to make it work. The ECC did its job, and now we all get a good, hearty laugh out of all of this.
One thing I did notice is that no other bloggers seemed to be pulling any April fools pranks. I wonder why.
Thursday, April 01, 2004
This link is for John of the U.K. I know you'll like it.
Since it is the Lenten season, the amount of political news dwindles because pastors are too busy writing sermons and getting prepared for Holy Week instead of updating their websites. That's just a fact of life. Once Easter comes and goes, everybody will be lovingly trying to tear each other's jugulars out once again.