WHEREAS, from the time of Pentecost the church has been empowered and
enlightened by the Holy Spirit, and,
WHEREAS, this enlightened and empowered church has striven to share the Holy Gospel with the world and,
WHEREAS, this evangelistic effort is always undertaken with great zeal and,
WHEREAS, this effort always takes place at DENNY's or (at another popular restaurant in lieu there of) and,
WHEREAS, the faciliation of this evangelistic effort is the sole purpose of the church and,
WHEREAS, this effort is also pursued by heterodox churches, particularly that Methodist church on the corner,
BE IT RESOLVED THAT, each congregation be encouraged and advised to eliminate the front 2/3 of the pews or chairs in the church's sanctuary (after all what GOOD Lutheran sits there anyway) allowing for members to be ushered out quickly.
BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED THAT, each pastor be encouraged and advised to limit his sermon to five minutes or to eliminate it completely,
BE IT FINALLY RESOLVED THAT, all congregations failing to adopt these practices be admonished and encouraged to withdraw the phrase "Evangelical Lutheran" from the official name of the congregation and forced to recite "Hail Luther" 95 times.
Two words: PURE GENIUS